I can't stage happiness but I can obtain it...

This past year has been a subtle but permanent year of changes for the best. It's been a year to put into motion the positive things I've begun to learn about myself. The previous few years were a time of reflection, realizations, letting go and growth.

I was able to travel a lot and I kept in touch with a lot of great people. However, the so called important events such as "spring break", my birthday, Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Years Eve were rather ordinary days. Actually, I like to look at them as days to catch up and rest. I have mastered and understand the true beauty of being by myself (it's been a goal I've been wanting to obtain). This year I have begun to enjoy the simple and free things that life has to offer such as sunsets, yoga, bike rides and writing. In the past I have physically participated in these things but didn't latch onto there importance. These small things have averted me away from my negative thoughts towards my job, cold weather and other mundane activities.

I truly believe in order to have a full life and a happy life, it's important to take time and effort to invest in myself. In 2017, I have started to visualize what the near future looks like and I really like it!

Can we stage happiness?

To me, happiness comes seeping through the door when we least expect it.  It also comes in tiny little bursts, like a bubble, that eventually pops. Then, we all end up cooking, cleaning, dealing with our health or relationships, questioning our personal goals, etc. No matter what day of the year it is.....even on Christmas.

If we attempt to make a plan for the perfect dinner party while wearing our best outfit while spreading cheer, something is bound to go wrong. The harder we try, the higher our stress levels go up as we organize and create this amazing plan.

I was thinking about the Holiday season and the obligations and anticipation that everything will be absolutely perfect for these couple of days. 48 hours of an ultimate high! So many people tend to even want to put a display on for each other.

Yes! Of course it was perfect.........we spent money, we pigged out on food, we had the best decorations and we were all together! The thing is........the uniqueness of this amazingly, special 48 hours or so looks like everyone else's. And there's a pity party for those of us who don't describe our Holiday season this way. Why is this our nature?

What about the rest of the year? Why do we all stop indulging in gifts to others, peace/kindness, good food? 

What if March 1st or October 15th ends up bringing one of us the most spectacular feeling and happy moments of the year? I think it should be celebrated, cherished and then recorded - especially because it wouldn't feel staged or planned.  The spontaneity of a moment like this is what makes it happy! 

What if we need a re-do because of work schedules, bad weather or half of the family was still getting over the cold/flu virus? We get stressed and then feel a bit blue....only because we've been taught we must experience happiness for 2 entire days.

#5 Friendship, it's all connected

After writing my about friendship being one of the happiest parts of travel in my last post I began to realize the things that make me the happiest are all interconnected. The friendships I have are one of the biggest components of who I really am.

I am lucky to have a soul that is naturally good at laughing when life seems a little odd, listening, seeing all sides of a situation and being non-judgmental. This has brought so many unique friendships into my life and allows me to be light hearted when I become acquainted with someone.

It makes me happy to know that I have several life long friends who view me as apart of their family or inner circle. I am always on their side with whatever decisions they make and I know they will always be on mine. We share many great memories and fun times such as traveling and seeing new places.

The past year and a half or so, I have realized that I have an actual impact on my friends and acquaintances just by being true to myself! As I have been sharing my thoughts and ideas through my blog I've heard, "You really are an inspiration." "You inspired me to walk across the Mackinaw Bridge on Labor Day."  When I was younger I think my hopes were to be a good OT, good wife, good mom and of course a good friend. But never an inspiration to my friends and acquaintances? It feels like an unplanned gift that this is the path my life is currently taking me. I must say thank you for the gentle nudges, friends!

The Big Bad Thing does not matter when I am socializing or making memories with my life long friends. I am blessed enough to say that most of the time I am able to bring out the best in people and so many individuals have been able to do the same for me.  Whether it's giving a thumbs up in the hallway at work, a deep conversation about where our lives are headed or awesome memories that float into my mind while I'm day dreaming....I am able to actually forget I have CP when I'm conversing with my friends. If that's not a good friendship, I don't know what is!

#4 Travel and Friendship

Seeing new and different things is really important to me because it allows me to expand my horizons and get away from my routine. 

I have also been very fortunate because travel has given me the opportunity to deepen the friendships I have.  At times I have been able to travel to visit old friends to a new area and learn about the area where that person is living or gain new acquaintances/friendships by meeting their circle of friends. I've been known to gather a group of women to take a trip somewhere new and different. Sometimes it takes effort, compromise and good communication to be roommates and travel together. But I've realized when this does work out, it's almost like I've created a friend for life! As I have been able to travel and gain a new perspective and world view with these cool friends, it is awesome to know we are creating memories that we can share together. 

I've been very blessed to become closer to many friends because of traveling.  

#3 Putting travel into motion

When I was little my parents took us on some pretty standard vacations. When I was in high school something inside of me woke up.......traveling and getting away from the parental/daughter dynamics was pretty much the most amazing feeling I'd ever had! This fire inside of me must be re-lit, quite often. Probably more than I can currently afford. But that's no reason to ignore this spark/desire.

There are so many things about travel that make me happy! So, why not just do it? Until there's financially no way to do it, I need to go!

I'm not sure why but it's easy to question and hesitate.......going. Where should I go? When should I go? These are easily solved. Anywhere. And when I'm not working, because in this regard I'm blessed.

What to spend my money on? Who do I go with? These are a little bit harder questions to answer, for me anyways. I spend lots of time pondering these questions and brainstorming. I say when I have more money or when this person is available, I'll go.

But I'm kinda StayCationed out.  I'm kinda over pondering or waiting for a better time.

This morning I woke up asking the same questions I've been asking myself for a couple of years but I had a couple of answers. Suddenly, my desire burst and within an hour and a half a trip was booked! 

I couldn't be more excited for me 2 week break. I'm feeling a sense of pride I stopped pondering.

New York City and East Coast here I come!!

#2 - One of the components of travel

There are so many moments during a trip that make me feel happy. This is a very global feeling I get when I go somewhere new.

I love to travel and see new places. One of the happiest moments of traveling is realizing how big the world really is.

Each time I have gone to Chicago I have been able to sit on a tour bus or train and watch out the window and see all of the neighborhoods and big buildings. I have always wondered what life is like for people in these new places I am seeing. I also do this when I am able to get a window seat on a plane.

I think it makes me feel happy that I am only a small piece of this really big world and there are millions of other people living their lives. Everything seems to be moving and going forward like a well oiled machine even though my routine has been disrupted for a few days. In these few moments I am okay with not having a sense of control. I feel curious but yet I am able to appreciate the routine I will go back to at home. When I am not home it is fun to realize airports, tourist traps, restaurants and places I have been are still operating.

#1

The Piss Pond

Whitehall.

Everyone needs a home away from home. On Friday afternoons when I am driving northwest on interstate 96, I get the happiest feeling of anticipation for the weekends that are about to occur.

It's a place where I don't have to go to work, pay bills or run other errands.

It's a place where there is constant relaxation, laughter and love from people you really care about.

It's a place that is beautiful and fulfills the hype of a Pure Michigan commercial.

It's a place to sneak away and recharge. I discovered this was going to be my place the summer I turned 12 years old even though I have been going to Whitehall since I was born.

 I've learned how to calmly sit on a front porch to eat and talk all day long without accomplishing a damn thing.

I've learned what true friendship is in Whitehall.

I am very lucky to have repeated all of these happy feelings over and over for the past 24 years!

I am excited there are more of these memories coming!

The Big Bad Thing.

I was born a "blue baby" because of the lack of oxygen I received at birth.
I didn't sit up unsupported until I was a year old and used a walker much longer than most babies entering into toddler hood.
I wasn't running to keep up with the other toddlers around 1.5-2 years.
The orthopedic doctor told my parents I would never walk long distances in malls or amusement parks.
I'm certain my parents and other family members wondered if I would be smart, do good in school and play like other children.
I was teased and felt singled out growing up.
I didn't always fit in with kids who were disabled either.
I'm not good at roller skating or ice skating.

I had double the homework other kids did. To stay caught up and on grade level and also because regular assignments took longer.
Even though I'm active my symptoms increase when I am tired (I trip more often and my speech is more slurred, etc.).
At the age of 13, I told myself since I had cerebral palsy perfection in all other areas of life was important.
I questioned whether I could drive, work, become a parent or go to college due to my physical limitations.
I'm a poor test taker.
And actually, I'm a poor note taker.
Filling an online dating profile was a huge fear to conquer.
Talking to guys in a busy bar was an even bigger fear.
Employers have looked at me as I've entered an interview and stated I shouldn't be interviewing at their place of employment.
I have been "let go" by an employer due to my disability.
Since the age of 18 I have experienced chronic pain during different phases of my life.
I also get spasms at night while falling asleep if I am experiencing stress.
Growing up I thought all of the annoying stuff about my disability would disappear or get easier.
It hasn't gotten easier or disappeared.
On a daily basis kids ask why I talk and walk funny.

Who Cares? One of the biggest life lessons to learn is we all have our baggage. What each of us choose to do with it is our own personal decision. I was given a personality and soul to teach and set an example for others to take the shitty hand we are dealt and turn it into something great. Here's my shit......and my further posts are how I've interpreted it and made the absolute most out of my journey, so far.

Reasons to be Happy!

I am going to work on writing down my 100 happiest moments that I can recall. I don't know yet if I could reach 100 - but I am definitely going to try! Could you reach 100 (+) happy moments that you have reached thus far?

Today was a warm day for November and it was sunny. Usually it is so dark! I was driving west a little after 5pm and witnessed one of my favorite things - a beautiful sunset! They don't last long but at least sunsets are repeated over and over (no - no everyday in Michigan).

November in Michigan 

It Takes a Village

This month I have been trying to think of the deepest levels of gratitude. Don't get me wrong, since I am a white middle class woman in her mid-thirties it is easy to think of 30 (+) reasons to be grateful. My family, my friends, my cats, my house, my career. I have more material things than I need and a full life. I've just wanted to dig deeper.

I thought of things that help me get through rough moments or days such as yoga and writing. And I have remembered the unique opportunities I have been given. Which has allowed me to realize I have a bright future full of even more opportunities.

The way my life path has gone thus far, makes me feel very unique and also very, very fortunate. As a young child with cerebral palsy the chances were slim my educational career would be positive and pursue an education that led me to a graduate degree. There's inaccurate test scores, assumptions, discrimination, over worked educators, bureaucracies, loop holes, laws or even parents who lack knowledge or courage to push for their kids. I think about this several times a week. When I'm feeling like I have misfortune, I think of the things that went right and this allows me to keep moving forward with a smile.

Every so often there is a circumstance beyond the daily service times, Medicaid billing, emails and meetings where this reminder of where I came from was a well played song and dance of laws and loop holes and what was right for me as an individual student. There were some close calls as to where my journey could have looked very different. It took a village of adults passionately brainstorming with a level head to lead me to where I currently am. One or 2 mishaps, my journey would have been different. I'm grateful it turned out the way it did.

I'm also reminded since the end result turned out so well that I have professional expertise to understand the laws, bureaucracies and loop holes with an extra shot of personal stuff to be the sound level headed advocate for kids who also are fighting to show their strengths and abilities beyond what the paperwork can show.

Today and everyday, I am grateful for my village. I am also grateful I've had the opportunity to be apart of so many villages! 

Opportunities.

I am grateful for the opportunities I have had and the opportunities that are yet to come. I have so many good memories and a rich past! Lately, I have been able to envision a bright future for myself as well.  I have seen and done things that I never imagined I would do.  I think of my education/career; the wide variety of friendships I have and the different people who have walked into my life; the journey of self discovery; the places I have traveled; and the places I have yet to see.

I am pretty good at keeping an open mind to try new and different things. Sometimes, I don't care if I see or do certain things ever again but at least I know I took a chance. The majority of the time I am glad I left an open mind for the opportunities that are given to me.

Opportunities exist to let everyone know the possibilities for growth and discovery are endless. The opportunities I have been given are apart of what has shaped my own unique journey!

Gratitude for Yoga.

Yesterday and a small portion of today I was on my feet walking while I shopped.  I had fun shopping yesterday but my legs and the rest of my body are pretty tight and sore.

Thankfully I know exactly what to do. I'm still working on when and how often I do it.......but when I make the effort, yoga and stretching makes me feel so much better. It not only helps with sore tired muscles but belly aches and sinus difficulties as well. For each aliment, I know which stretches and poses to do for about 15 minutes.

Aside from the physical benefits, yoga is also teaching me to remember to be patient and appreciate what my body has to offer. I can tell when I have progressed or improved with a pose because I am checking in with my body and how it feels. I don't need to pass a test or to keep track on a timer - I just know I what my performance level is based on what my body is telling me.

Writing

I am grateful for my ability to collect my thoughts and write. I am thankful my mom and teachers pushed me to expand my ability to write when I was younger.

I feel like I am better at writing my thoughts than saying them out loud. For me writing is a way to speak my mind and organize thoughts and ideas I am having. Writing has kept me company when I have been lonely and cheered me up when I have been sad. It's given me courage to take action and is a reminder of the things that make me a unique individual.

Making writing a daily, essential part of my life has become a journey and has started making the impossible feel possible.

The Importance of Gratitude

The more I think about gratitude and practice it, the better I feel. I feel less negative towards myself and the world around me. It provides me with the opportunity to feel a sense of pride for what I have accomplished and also feel fortunate for the people and things in my life. This helps me sleep better and sometimes I am even able to focus better on tasks that I hope to accomplish. I am certain there are other health benefits it is helping me with as well.

I think it's cool that individuals on Facebook and other forms of social media are able to write about what they are grateful for each day of the month of November. That is what Thanksgiving is all about and there are many negative things in the media. It's good to work on making things as positive as possible.

This week my college intern and I are going to have the students on our caseload write about 5 things they are grateful for. It will be cool to explain what the concept means and also see what they say. This will be the first time I have done this.

Throughout this month and other times of the year I will also continue to work on this.

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/gratitude-appreciation/

http://happierhuman.com/benefits-of-gratitude/

Happiness Is....

I haven't written a "Kim-ism" in awhile but I've been wondering what happiness is to people.

In the past I have written about the difference between happiness and contentment. This week I've written about the fact that we all have bad circumstances to deal with which can bring up negative feelings, it's only natural.

What I see for a lot of people is that happiness is having the bad circumstances go away, obtaining money, materials and people who approve of us and our actions for long periods of time. Everyone is seeking happiness as a constant way of life, a goal to obtain, when really it's just a few moments here and there. We just have to learn not to miss them and gain appreciation for them.

We can't always agree with others, money doesn't grow on trees, loss and accidents happen. So is it assumed that because these things exist - we're all missing out on obtaining our goal to be happy?

What I've recently noticed is happiness comes in really small doses. Unlike the big bad negative stuff that lingers.......happiness tends to sneak right in there and then quickly disappear.

Again, just like with the bad circumstances - we each have a choice on what we do with these doses of happiness. Let them slip by......or use our senses to taste, smell, see, hear, feel what is making us feel so good, so we can store it in our memory bank. Or let the tiny moments race by and then feel negative and unhealthy that we're never given anything worth being happy about.

Think about it.....
Sunsets/sunrises, chocolate chip cookies, belly laughs, a kind compliment, and all the other things that can make people happy......slip by so quickly. 

I hope I keep catching these little moments and embracing them to the fullest!

Negative Nancy.....

As a writing exercise I decided to list out every bad thing that my disability brings to my life. I'm not angry or stressed and I don't need counseling............I just wanted to see how long the list would be. I wanted to see what it would feel like and look like.

I'm not going to share it. Because it's negative and that's just not me.

Before writing this, I decided I wasn't going to share it and I also was going to write facts not emotions. After some of the statements I found myself wanting to write a justification on how I fixed that problem area.

My statements are done and in conclusion:

One of the biggest life lessons to learn is we all have our baggage. What each of us choose to do with it is our own personal decision. I was given a personality and soul to teach and set an example for others to take the shitty hand we are dealt and turn it into something great.

Prologue

I was born with this ugly part of me that has been bound to cause many hardships. Heavy and important questions weighed on my parents mind after they learned I had a mild form of cerebral palsy. Would I walk through schools, malls and on vacation? Would I earn an education that would lead me to a job that paid well? Would I be employed? Would I be able to take care of myself? Would I face discrimination from peers, employers, society? Would sports and other activities be hard for me? As I grew into an adult would my disability physically hurt? Would I blame this obvious physical mishap on every disappointment and challenge I faced in this life? 

The answer to all of these things is, yes even though the outcomes have never really been easy or handed to me. It all seems like I was born with a huge wall in front of me and my challenge is to find a way over the wall. Many would think this is a reason to approach life with despair, sadness or negativity.

I feel the complete opposite. This big ugly unfortunate thing that I was born with, has taught me so much! I see it as a gift. It's automatically given me the gift of empathy because I know we all have big ugly things we are dealing with. It has shaped my career and the relationships I have created. Since it was assumed I'd be living a life full of sadness and despair, it's very easy for me to make the little things in life that me happy a really big deal! Big or small accomplishments and things that make me smile last a little longer in my world. It has made me more perceptive. I've had to learn to separate CP issues with other flaws surrounding intense situations. It's made me smarter and more aware of what occurs in the world around me. If my an area of my body hurts, I find out why and figure out how to make it better by using rehabilitation. I know laws that protect me as a person with a disability and I am also not shy to seek out the help I need for any of life's situations even if it isn't related to my CP. It's taught me not to be scared to discuss or show imperfections and to seek the positive in the situations that I encounter. It's made me raw and has allowed me to live life to it's fullest. 

Change Is Brewing....

I am taking action on the following:

1. Less time on FB - I won't go cold turkey. But my plan is not to spend 6 years of my life on FB. Yes! That's where we are all headed. I find myself clicking on the app every. single. time. I wake up, pee, come in the house, sit down, eat a meal and turn on the TV. These are all of my triggers especially when I'm alone. But I catch myself after only reading 1-2 posts and staying on less for these increments. 

I like FB while waiting in a waiting room somewhere, or if I know I absolutely have only 10 minutes to kill in between tasks, and for myself posting crap for the garage sale site and posting my journey to live a happier, healthier life. I love seeing positive things on FB and getting invited to cool things, but my stress levels, creativity and personal goals are more important. 

After these 3 things - adios! 

2. Less time to watch TV. Maybe if I turn on the TV less.......I'd click on the FB app less :) But really TV makes me cry or fall asleep. When watching the news I cry when I'm angry/frustrated, sad and happy. Maybe it's therapy - I'm associating my life to all the crap going on in the world. Kinda doubt it. So, take out the news and then there's maybe 3 shows I truly care about, the others I am only watching because I figure, I'm tired and have a few minutes to chill (30 or more). And TV used to keep me company. Explain to me how that really makes sense? 

3. Guess what only takes 10, 30 or 60 minutes, if I'd like. No - not watching Dr. Phil or Bachelor in Paradise. Mindfulness and deep breathing or a SIESTA. And it feels amazing. So, I'm making an effort to make this a habit. Cleaning 1 section of my house takes an hour or less too! Go, Me! 

4. Sleeping better. It's been a genetically proven fact it's rare for me to go to bed willingly before 10pm. So, going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time probably will never happen as long as I'm apart of a bureaucratic full time job. But saying something nice to myself or envisioning the future I truly want right before bed makes me feel better. And during the day I have been saying over and over and over..........the small stuff and the negativity just doesn't matter. I sleep sounder even if I'm only on the pillow for 6 or 7 hours. And despite the experts and research I still play catch up on the weekends. To me, productivity doesn't exist before 8am. I actually tried changing who I am and what my body needs and that only lasted half a week. Maybe I should work somewhere second shift?

5. With that being said.......I'm trying to move my ass in the morning. For a week I was getting to work an 30-hour earlier than necessary. By week 2 I've only been getting to work 20 minutes early. I will admit, some days are faster than others. I've noticed 20 minutes in the morning truly does make a difference though. I have some silence and a refreshed body. 

6. Stop that stinkin' thinking. If something I see or hear bugs me I force it to roll off my back. If I want to say something negative - I try hard to think about what I need to verbalize what it is. If I have a happy thought - I try to expand on it. I write it down, share it in words or through a picture. We are what we eat. And we are what we say and do! 

I prefer to be healthy, happy, calm and have an open mind. Can my Pepsi be that dose of pure naughty-ness?  I'll even cut way back on Halloween Candy...just to keep Pepsi!

7. Unassertiveness. How important is it for me to keep others happy? Really important! So important I'll make my mind and body work extra hard. It's the care taker in me.....or is it?! This one is a work in progress! 

Is My Mind and Body In Sync?

Tonight I was driving home from yoga class and the warm air and sunset were just beautiful. The drove on the back country roads and probably the yoga practice gave me the chance to really listen to my inner voice. I love it when this occurs!

I kept hearing I want more adventure.......but, I hold myself back with excuses. I am happiest when_________ .  I have outgrown ________________(multiple things).  And it's a blessing that I have outgrown these things because change will occur and growth will happen.

And the conclusion was sometimes my brain and soul move at double speed over my body.

It continues to be a journey to feed my brain and soul and nurture my body.  If I were to get them in sync it would feel magical.

My IEP plan continues

My Strengths: Good sense of humor/quick wit; supportive family member; good friend; active, loves to travel,bike ride and try new things; attends weekly yoga class; homeowner; strong awareness of finances; enjoys learning new things, meeting new people and getting the most out of life and is good at my current job as an OT. I have a strong interest in health and wellness.

Problem Areas (PLAAFP):
1.  Trips and can potentially have a fall that leads to injury every millionth step; when tired it's every 500,000 steps.

2. When sad or mad speech slurs. Energy level also effects speech.

3. Has decreased ability to use a lateral key pinch which lead to several broken car keys ignition. All the locksmith's in town know of her!

4. Has increased muscle tone which cause spasms throughout the day and if stressed at night. This can cause sleep disturbances.

5.  At risk for injuries to joints/muscles/soft tissues. History of carpal tunnel, tense trigger points and bursitis in shoulder.

6. Right eye muscles have stopped working which increases fatigue and distractibility.

7. Easily distracted, especially when tired.  

8. Often feels overstimulated which leads to aggravation.

9. Wants to work hard and fit in everything life has to offer. But when fatigued distractions take over, procrastination occurs and there is an increase in stress.

Adverse Impact: Having a routine with appropriate amounts of sleep and rest will increase my productivity and decrease my stress levels. By having decreased stress the symptoms of CP will decrease.

Personal Integrity = a routine

The past couple of days it has felt like I am past the initial shock of what it's like to work. Day trips are completed for another summer, zillions of meetings are planned and on a priority list I have set for myself. I like my schedule this year. I'm just working my way towards completing the priority list. I think part of this plan will be starting work earlier each day.  And I will remember filling out an IEP a day, keeps the stress away.  I've also come to realize, my smarts, imagination, love for OT exists, so why not be a fieldwork educator to all of these young students and have them physically help me execute my smarts, imagination and love for our profession.  I have an OTA student who is 3 weeks into her fieldwork and raring to go.  So, the next 5 weeks is just about helping her gain independence with the little students we share. I just have to execute and take action with the paperwork while she works on her confidence during therapy with the kids. 

I have been working really hard to keep a routine and limit the distractions that effect this. As I know routines are important, but sometimes I get stuck. A routine seems unnecessary at 6:30pm when I'm watching the news and playing on my phone & it's now 7:30. And I think about how unfair it is that it's darker sooner and I had to give up my bike ride and I should clean........something (it doesn't matter what, but it's unfair I couldn't). Isn't it just easier to complain how much time I don't have? Isn't it unfair to have a routine after I have worked all day? 

This could have been my scenario tonight. But this afternoon when I knew I was heading home, alone to my Hut........I reminded myself there's just a lot of "stuff" on your agenda......keep going! And it worked. My head will be on the pillow by 10:30pm and I got so much done. 

If we don't take care of ourselves.......we're lacking personal integrity. 

When I heard this about a week ago I realized, if I don't have personal integrity, I can't tell my supervisor, or new friend or future partner..........yes, I'm a person with integrity. That has made me think twice while reviewing some of the changes I could make for myself. 

Being a person with integrity just sounds really cool, worldly, successful! 

So, ok! I'll go with it.

Accommodations or No Accommodations...that is the question

I've been gathering all of these moments from my past lately to understand what the present is going to look like for me. It's part of understanding myself.

1. At age 8 I didn't really like going to the camp for kids with physical disabilities just so I could fit in. By age 10, in 5th grade I was helping the staff get the PPI kids off from the bus every morning. My mom limited the amount of activities I was in after school and I was rarely awake after 8:30pm.

2. At 13 I remember silently telling myself, since you have CP everything else in your life must be perfect. And at this age I ignored that silly IEP......thankfully the special ed teacher consultant was in several buildings, so he wouldn't bother me or cramp my style. Even though I didn't have a note taker, a word processor to type on or take the extended amounts of time to get to class, I really, REALLY needed a padlock on my locker that I couldn't open. After so much practice, I could never open a combination lock. My friends rotated who my locker partner was and it was never discussed further.

3. In high school, sometimes I had a laptop. Most of the time I had a laptop that wasn't working well, so it was very unreliable. College prep courses in the middle of 10th grade changed this. If I didn't have a working laptop that turned on and charged when I needed to take notes, I would have failed. So, I used a laptop which was different than my peers.

4. During senior year of high school, my mom got the ball rolling for services through MRS and I wasn't going to go...because college would be so easy on my own. Somehow, she got me to go. And now I realize, without MRS, I wouldn't have made it through college. I drove for 2 years without a disabled parking sticker. Then, when I headed to LCC in the downtown area where parking was uncertain and limited. I got the sticker I qualify for only to use on campus. And now, I use it 90% of the time. I call it my valet parking!

5. In college while at LCC I took my own notes on my laptop. I wanted to work, go out on the weekends and move out on my own. I soon realized that if I did work, it had to be limited. In fact, when I did request reasonable accommodation I very passively handed my supervisor a doctor's note that I had to sit while taking movie theater tickets. My supervisor said, this doctor's note isn't even necessary, of course we will get you a chair. As I moved onto the OT program at Baker, I stopped working. It took counseling to realize, earning a degree was my job. I'd go to classes 8-10 hours 2x a week and study/rest the remainder of the week. It worked! It worked very well.

6. During my first OT job requesting reasonable accommodation (that I probably didn't even need) was an epic fail.

It has been suggested to me recently that I do request reasonable accommodation for my current job. I'm so not excited about this. I've started writing down what I would need to feel alert and successful at my job. What I've begun to realize is....there are so many things that I am NOT doing for myself.

The word "reasonable" keeps swarming in my mind. What is "reasonable" for an educator? All of us put in so much emotional and mental effort.....along with physical effort to "give" and "care" for vulnerable students. While we're giving and caring for our students we're certainly not going to stop bending over backwards for our coworkers and loved ones in our personal lives....we would not be in education if this was the case.

Rather than requesting accommodations that are reasonable (my guess is, I'd probably ignore them)...why not begin the journey to take care of myself?

What would happen if:

I went to bed on time?

If I used all of my personal days that I'm given? And I didn't even check email on these days? If I didn't bring work home on weekends and/or snow days?
   ****Last year, I did paper work on Christmas Eve/Day, just so I didn't have to think about it the           remainder of my "break."
   ****I have NEVER used all of my personal days. And usually I stay plugged in, even if it's a sick      day.
   ****The majority of my colleagues who retire give their unused sick time to a time bank for other      union members........what if someday, I didn't have that much to give.

If I worked at finding a quiet place to work when I had down time while on the job?

If I kept an open dialogue with my supervisor about weeks that I worked over 40 hours and then we could discuss potential flex time.

If I hired a cleaning lady?

If I found an alternative to grocery shopping?

If I decreased the amount of time on Facebook?

If I changed my ultra clean/strict grooming habits?

I will be honest, I've made an excuse not to follow through with all of these things...and I keep chugging along in a vicious cycle where I'm too overstimulated to be happy, joyful and passionate.

I should just keep in mind that by doing any of these things I'm being different and unique in my own glorious way. Perhaps, the perfection that I've been seeking since age 13 is enjoying the quiet and calm where I can hear my own inner voice and enjoy love and laughter!