Motherhood?!

 

This post comes from that same book I am reading currently....it's a loaded one. The author is a mom however this wasn't her strategic plan. Her son was a surprise. She actually thought she could not get pregnant because of her physical disability. Her ultimate plan was to write books, become an artist, become an intellect and travel the world. She describes moments with her son as if she's in a dream wondering if she will wake up with the current life she has being "undone." Towards the end of the book she writes about her happiness and contentment.  

I always saw myself becoming a mom. First off, I wanted to be like everyone else. Good at cooking. cleaning, getting along with a husband and kids. The American Dream...these were my first envisions of motherhood as a kid. I aspired to be a babysitter, I thought little kids were so cute and fun. I didn't want to be any different from what the vast majority was doing or miss out on anything. Unlike the author of this book, I truthfully never thought about what else there could be for myself as a woman until I was around 30. 

By my mid 30s I began to realize if I would have became a mom that would have been it! I would have paid attention to my kid(s) unconditionally - I have no doubts about this. That would have been it! Knowing what I know about myself, I know I automatically give to others and I mold into what they need me to be. There would have been chronic pain and other distractions, but I would have been more than willing to put my kids first. The playdates, their hobbies, doctors appointments and getting them to school clean and fed would have been accomplished. I would have been proud of this! Perhaps I still would have worked as an OT minimally but currently there are days during the school year, I imagine that being impossible. Personal growth would have occurred in different ways I cannot imagine and I would have absorbed a different type of love and pride interwoven with the family I created. My growth as an individual probably would not have occurred through writing, yoga, travel or striving to be a good friend because my time and energy would have been elsewhere.

As I was reading today, this author describes her plans and dreams as a young adult and I realized how different I am from her. My plan and dream was to be someone's mom. Her plan and dream was to create, see the world and self discover. Throughout the book she seems to be doing both as she works through feelings of resentment of a domesticated, stationary situation to raise her son. I have had to build the foundations and steps to all of the paths I am heading down currently. I feel as if I lacked creativity to view life differently than the leader of a family unit. Sometimes I think it would have been easier for my kid(s) to determine who I would be at least for 18 years. The life I currently have takes a different type of effort, courage and intention. Without being a mom I am on my own journey to entertain myself, discover what love really means and stretch my boundaries independently.  Maybe someone knows I am up for the solitude challenge.

The regrets are minimal however it is a reminder that it's tough for women to have it all, especially all at once.