LEARNING HOW TO MAINTAIN A CAREER WITH A PHYSICAL DISABILITY

Cerebral palsy has helped determine the career path I have taken. With my role as a school based Occupational Therapist, I have challenges rooted from CP, including moving slower than my colleagues to complete tasks, slurred speech during conversations with others, not being able to demonstrate skipping to a child during the screening process, or a risk for falling when carrying equipment. These challenges take up time and energy on a regular basis however I always manage my job duties. 

People around me somehow forget I am disabled because I manage daily tasks well.  I immediately look for ways to overcome a struggle and feel lucky to have this tenacity within me. This determination will lead me down a path where I am able to celebrate my shortcomings. I have gone to war with myself physically and mentally to manage each day. Fitting in with individuals who are considered physically normal is exhausting. Celebrating my differences will lead to positive energy and a path of sharing my gifts with the world. 

The consequences of not addressing physical and medical components of a disability will affect job performance. I realize this because of personal experiences. I wonder if other professionals with disabilities are trying to cope with similar challenges?  

 

After degrees are earned and Human Resources fits someone into a workforce, support for an individual with a disability dissipates. Why is it up to the employee to maintain a fulfilled life while in the career world when paid professionals helped the individual earn an education? Challenges, successes and failures of what happens during the career span when there is no longer a team to collaborate is unique for each individual. 

Gratitude ensues to let educators know the impact they had on me during my education. Since they facilitated appropriate programming, I earned a graduate degree, became a taxpayer and created a career. I wish it were as easy as “this individual met her goals.” However, the journey had just begun.

I’m sharing what it’s like making the able bodied majority feel comfortable around me while I constantly navigate standards they have created in the workforce. There is no role model of what a lifestyle should entail for a person with my neurological capacity. I’m rarely someone’s client and I have my own caseload of students. My role in special education has done a complete shift. I’m capable of achieving my goals however, my vivacious drive has led me down paths of fitting in with the “norm” rather than celebrating my individuality. 

My quest involves reaching a good balance when approaching my career. I believe all educators struggle with this. I will give my students everything they need but be diligent about where I utilize my energy. The easiest path is throwing in the towel on education. However, I want to create solutions. 

Where I place my energy, react to negativity and how that affects my body is fascinating. The energy I create is a gift. I’m learning to exert the energy I have in more desirable directions and diminish the distractions. This is not taught to professionals entering into education therefore mundane negative habits are created which cannot be my default. 

I have requested reasonable accommodations. This was a difficult thing for me to follow through with. I knew accommodations would be more than just a piece of paper. They would mean going against the cultural norm of the work place for educators. 

 

My master’s degree in Rehabilitation Counseling became an asset when requesting reasonable accommodations while employed in education. This experience was demeaning. My self advocacy soared when the Human Resource director assigned me to a “check in buddy” so my physical and cognitive deficits (IQ 121) could be monitored. Frustration continued when I had to have my doctor fill out one form twice when “changing positions to reduce muscle pain” did not suffice when requesting an adjustable standing desk for report writing. I knew the paperwork would be completed and placed into my HR file. The level of grit required to stand alone to fulfill these accommodations in real time is the hardest part. When thinking about the bureaucracy, logistics and implicit bias that are tied in with utilizing Federal Laws, I can’t imagine how an employee would feel with a different professional background. It would be easier to “throw in the towel.” Would that be fair? Would I be leaving an untouched system manageable for the next person? What if one of my former student’s came in as a newly hired employee? I want this process to be approachable for everyone.

Since the age of 13 my biggest goal was to be normal. Back then, strength was defined by how well I could disguise the qualities that made me different from anyone else. It’s instilled in me that normal is easier and better.   

At work, I have achieved something when I am using my expertise to help children reach their educational goals. My energy depletes when clerical duties, technology mishaps, schedule changes and situations occur with no solution insight.

Reasonable accommodations help me manage my health, safety and productive energy towards the kids I am servicing. As I utilize the accommodations; I am undoing the bad habits of many old beliefs. Before, I was putting forth 110% effort, regardless of where it landed. The difficult part was my effort wasn’t making a difference. Exhaustion increased when I expected myself to do more for a colleague, or committee to even out “the lack of effort” I must have placed into students that didn’t thrive. I utilized my energy with good intentions however I was exerting my energy to keep up with the culture of what was occurring around me. It takes effort to shatter old beliefs. The healthiest option is going against the norm even if I feel like I don’t fit in. Sticking with the norm can include being negative towards situations that don't relate to the agenda I had set for the day. My accommodations are the foundation of energy conservation many professionals in education need. I have learned the importance of taking care of myself along with maintaining the status of a valued employee. 

Strong people are able to show the world who they really are. I keep moving forward down my defined path which makes my role in education more desirable. Within the past year, I’ve worked on easing physical demands and emotionally focusing on positive things rather than negative and making sure I use universal supports available through my job.

My professional role can be draining however it’s rewarding to research and create the solutions as I discover more about myself. My body has given me a gift to take action to seek out the best circumstances in difficult situations. It’s a body that is slower, sensitive to stress but fully aware of changes that need to occur. My mind has the gift of problem solving and creating a balance so I am able to experience the positive components of life. I am authentic, honest and truthful about my experiences. With my unique approach I know my presence in education is an asset.

The iWatch

 

For months or maybe even years, I knew I could go without an iWatch. It's just another toy that costs a lot of money. I drag my feet with spending money with a lot of things. However, this little gadget does have some interesting things that have made me more aware of my overall health. It's like the accountability partner I need to have. Also, it saved me when I locked myself out of my car the other day! 

1.) I don't sleep enough. I'm pretty good at staying asleep once I get there. But I procrastinate to get ready for bed. When I was still working this spring was the toughest because I enjoy 8:30 bike rides and I take forever to get ready for bed. Forever. 

2.) When standing to cook or fold laundry or wipe down the counter...I sometimes don't get a stand point. Thanks, iWatch I also knew cooking is a waste of time and energy. And it hurts. So I think you're a smart little device. 

If I stand to write reports I'm pretty good about taking breaks to move and stretch because I'm bored out of my mind. With cooking, I'm usually spilling things and getting no move points to clean it up. A different post is probably necessary but I've tried some really great recipes the past 6 months, despite my stationary pain.

3.) With taking what I have learned about yoga class, my favorite yoga podcasts and chatting with PTs over the years I have a 30 minute workout that feels really, really good to me. I click on my iWatch and say I'm doing yoga. Sometimes I am moving and my heart rate soars other times I am doing a pretty decent stretch. I have a lot of cross touching, core strengthening and twisting throughout this thing. I feel "yummy" afterwards and my iWatch expands my move points, so we both agree this is a great 30 minutes spent. Because of the iWatch I am doing more active movements and it congratulates me :)

I look forward to discovering more purposeful moments and intentional movements with my iWatch!

Motherhood?!

 

This post comes from that same book I am reading currently....it's a loaded one. The author is a mom however this wasn't her strategic plan. Her son was a surprise. She actually thought she could not get pregnant because of her physical disability. Her ultimate plan was to write books, become an artist, become an intellect and travel the world. She describes moments with her son as if she's in a dream wondering if she will wake up with the current life she has being "undone." Towards the end of the book she writes about her happiness and contentment.  

I always saw myself becoming a mom. First off, I wanted to be like everyone else. Good at cooking. cleaning, getting along with a husband and kids. The American Dream...these were my first envisions of motherhood as a kid. I aspired to be a babysitter, I thought little kids were so cute and fun. I didn't want to be any different from what the vast majority was doing or miss out on anything. Unlike the author of this book, I truthfully never thought about what else there could be for myself as a woman until I was around 30. 

By my mid 30s I began to realize if I would have became a mom that would have been it! I would have paid attention to my kid(s) unconditionally - I have no doubts about this. That would have been it! Knowing what I know about myself, I know I automatically give to others and I mold into what they need me to be. There would have been chronic pain and other distractions, but I would have been more than willing to put my kids first. The playdates, their hobbies, doctors appointments and getting them to school clean and fed would have been accomplished. I would have been proud of this! Perhaps I still would have worked as an OT minimally but currently there are days during the school year, I imagine that being impossible. Personal growth would have occurred in different ways I cannot imagine and I would have absorbed a different type of love and pride interwoven with the family I created. My growth as an individual probably would not have occurred through writing, yoga, travel or striving to be a good friend because my time and energy would have been elsewhere.

As I was reading today, this author describes her plans and dreams as a young adult and I realized how different I am from her. My plan and dream was to be someone's mom. Her plan and dream was to create, see the world and self discover. Throughout the book she seems to be doing both as she works through feelings of resentment of a domesticated, stationary situation to raise her son. I have had to build the foundations and steps to all of the paths I am heading down currently. I feel as if I lacked creativity to view life differently than the leader of a family unit. Sometimes I think it would have been easier for my kid(s) to determine who I would be at least for 18 years. The life I currently have takes a different type of effort, courage and intention. Without being a mom I am on my own journey to entertain myself, discover what love really means and stretch my boundaries independently.  Maybe someone knows I am up for the solitude challenge.

The regrets are minimal however it is a reminder that it's tough for women to have it all, especially all at once. 

Traveling alone?!

 

I am reading a book where the author travels alone around the world to very random places. Sometimes she is traveling for job opportunities and other times she is traveling for self discovery. I have heard that traveling alone is one of the greatest gifts and adventures someone can give themselves. I see some benefits however I also feel like the few times I have tried to take a day trip alone I don't really enjoy myself. Maybe I haven't perfected the art of being alone and independent? I find myself with thoughts swirling through my head "I'm okay even though I'm alone." "Nobody is going to notice you're alone." "This is fun and the only opinion you need to have, is your own Kim." "This is relaxing and quiet and I'm lucky to have a few minutes to myself." "Is this really safe?" 

While reading the book, the other describes being alone in a hut made of mud on an island in Cambodia with only her driver who offered to show her a place of the beaten path. She describes the loneliness and missing her mom, husband and the familiarity of TV blaring in the background...because she was experiencing just the opposite. Thoughts rushed through my head such as "I can feel lonely and miss the people I'm closest to where I'm comfortable." "Hell no, this is not something I want to strive for." Several pages later the author is writing about a trip she is on with her family. In order to drown out the input from her mom and son, she closes her eyes and visualizes herself sitting in the mud hut isolated. This helped her feel grounded, safe and happy. She definitely appreciated her memory. Once again, I realized traveling alone and grasping the adventure behind it is a major component and phenomenon I have yet to understand and experience. 

On the flip side, I started thinking of all the different types of people I have traveled with and the lesson and the laughs I have had because of them. They are definitely memories I cherish and try to reminisce about. 

It's interesting  I chose to write this as a blog post because I'm willing to admit there's a boring and a fearful streak inside me. As time goes on it will be interesting to see if I add traveling alone to my list of life experiences! 

Life Is A Mid-western Highway?!

I have been to various areas around the world including France, Spain, England, Ireland, Toronto, Cozumel, Nassau, and so many spots around the US. However, recently while mediating I envisioned myself driving along the roads and highways of the mid-west. While envisioning this I felt a sense of calm and accomplishment. Maybe it was because I knew I had driven these roads myself but then I visualized the memory of driving in Phoenix and did not have the same feelings as I did about Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and northern MI. Perhaps it's because I am grateful for the ability to see different areas more than once? When using a sponge, I am someone who dips it in the soapy water, wrings it out and then repeat the process again.....you know, to get the full effect! So many others would quickly dip the sponge and wipe the mess away. I have to wonder what are they missing

 In my mind, I compete with myself. I ask myself if I have been to the places in between all of my destinations? If I haven't, then have I really experienced everything life has to offer? What are the components in the middle that I am missing? When can I fill in the gaps?  Is my mind and perception of an area really accurate if I am just strolling through for a couple of hours? 

The sense of calm and accomplishment I felt in those few moments also provided me with the feeling of openness, allowing me to realize I can go anywhere, at anytime....and I am going to miss nothing. I am going to solve everything and the questions I once had will be answered and I will have a new way of perceiving life. It's like these vivid memories and flashbacks gave me the ability to say "You have been here!" "You have done that!" "You're always going to keep moving forward and find new roads to take." 

I appreciate these warm fuzzy feelings while visualizing the roads of the region of the world I am most comfortable with because I am reminded that I am able to appreciate small little moments in life and mold them into something meaningful, insightful and comforting! It is my hope that the world around me continues to open and expand and I am often reminded that my comfort zone has a very wide leash full of memories and perceptions and lacking any gaps! 

What I Have Learned From Yoga

 

Here are the things I have learned from yoga:

The past several years I have wondered "What else is there?" "What else can I experience?" "How can I continue to grow?" Is the answer a new job, more trips, more friends, more things, nicer things, more quality time? As I began to learn about all components of yoga; I was amazed when I started to realize an answer to my questions. Change, fulfillment and growth occur when I commit to learn about myself and listen to my strongest intuitions. This seems so simple however when taking a deep dive it's not simple at all!

Of course, like anyone else in the Western world, my strength and flexibility have improved my physical body which is incredible considering that I am older and do have unique motor challenges. Each time I notice an improvement within myself physically I am reminded of the potential for improvements in all aspects of my life. 

I have also learned, I can only control my body, breath and reactions towards the things that are happening around me. I continue to work on taking deeper breathes more often and more frequently. As my exhales have gotten longer, I notice a difference when I am stretching. When I give a good exhale I become more flexible in the pose I am practicing which is really cool. 

I know my body is more open than it's ever been even if I am in pain at times. I notice the more I move or change positions the less pain I experience. On good days, this changes my life at work. This past school year I played with different positions while typing reports to create openness within my body. Rather than being bored and annoyed with typing the report, I am setting a timer and challenging my body to open up and sustain the position I am in for the appropriate amount of time. 

I mainly tend to get pain in my trunk and actually my ribs feel like there's tightness/inflammation which does effect my ability to breathe deeply. This especially occurs when I am sitting too much. I feel like these aches and pains are speaking to me. They remind me of what my main focus should be on, rather than spending time and energy on things that are negative and don't really matter. I am amazed that even though the pain exists on a consistent basis my body feels healthier and stronger. I notice how much more aware I am physically, mentally and emotionally which is the core of who I am meant to be. My CP created this unique physical body that needs to be calculated with every activity and movement I complete. Yoga philosophy is teaching me how to fulfill that. I am reminded on a regular basis of what truly matters in life. I am also learning the skills and effort it takes to let go of the things that don't matter. 

I must admit, I am not perfect with recognizing the signals my body provides me. I have days when negative thoughts regarding life situations creep in and I ignore the signals and steps needed to focus on what's really important. I have days or periods of time when errands, distractions and sitting on the couch to watch Netflix is easier and more accessible than listening to my body and intuition. Through yoga, I am learning that it is possible to get everything I need, want and desire out of my experiences, perceptions and life in general. 

Always a Buddy!

I’m able to recall the biggest situations that have shaped me so far but there is only one tradition that continues to send sparks into my soul time after time. It’s a place where I have continued to learn about love, friendship, empathy and life. It’s a beautiful setting especially in the summer. My dad grew up in Whitehall and perhaps his earliest memories can sometimes draw me into the soul of this town. However, the week before I turned 12 years old I learned that I could be away from my family and be an individual person and I learned this in my special place.  Perhaps that is why it’s such a special place! I realized I could have friendships and relationships without my parents' influence. This was a wonderful but yet scary feeling when I first felt it. My first week in Whitehall without my immediate family I became homesick however when I returned home I couldn’t wait to go back! Aunt Sandy taught me how to inadvertently become my own person and create these bonds. She has always listened to everything I have to say and I have always felt safe and valued around her. Lori, my cousin Kelly along with other friends are in my life to help me follow through with the things that Aunt Sandy taught me. When I go visit Whitehall I always feel special and valued. 

When I learned that it was okay to fully be myself I was able to experience things differently and have more fun! The beach trips became more appealing and over the years these places that I frequent have become magical places where memories have been created. I have a very sharp memory so sometimes the way a room smells in my Aunt’s house or the way the sunlight hits the leaves on the trees I am instantly taken back to the first few summers I spent in Whitehall as my own person. 

Memorial Day weekend of 2022, I was staying up in a bedroom in my Aunt’s attic and it smelled just like it did when I was 12. One morning when I woke up, I processed that this room had been in my life for decades. There were old photo albums on the shelves with dust. I started to look. I went through an album of my uncle who had passed away when I was 9. Looking through the album was such an interesting perspective because I realized how much I had missed and didn’t understand because he died when I was a kid. I also had noticed how much my Aunt’s house had evolved over the years. The paint and pictures on the wall and the furniture had all changed as some people left the house forever and the rest of us had grown older. I was also able to view their relationship as a woman and not the child I was when I saw them together. Strange feelings rushed through me and I just reminded myself “That’s what grief is….a really strange concept and emotion.” 

Later that day my cousin and I were having the typical afternoon/evening to kick off summer on Memorial Day weekend. We headed to the Eagles to hear Buddy Popps play live music. It looked similar to scenes over the years, many of the same faces were at similar events that I had been to over the past 29 years. Like the bedroom in the attic, this scene had been a part of my life for decades. 

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A week before my 12th birthday Aunt Sandy, her friend Elaine and Elaine’s daughter took me to see the play “Annie” at the Frauenthal in Muskegon. On the way there Elaine explained that we were going to be out late and asked if my parents knew this already. Aunt Sandy explained that it wouldn’t be too late and it was Whitehall after all and Kimmie would stay right with her. Lori asked if I liked Kitty Cocktails and I nodded yes. I wasn’t really sure what they were all talking about but it sounded fun! We arrived to the Gallion (a bar in Whitehall) and these 22-25 year olds kept coming up to us and Aunt Sandy, Lori, and Elaine knew them all. They also knew the guys playing in the band, which I thought was really cool. It was Dana and Darin’s friends Buddy Pops and Tommy Foster. I was drinking my Kitty Cocktail with extra cherries and this guy singing was in the rafters (which was Tommy and not Buddy).

***

I remembered that night in 1993 as I sat there with my cousin and her friends. Dana was sitting right behind all of us people watching. We weren’t in the Gallion and Tommy wasn’t there but it was like being in a time warp which was a really wonderful feeling to experience as the sun began to set. On the way back to the car that night my cousin and I ran into Buddy and had a few minutes to talk to him. I heard Buddy play several times over 29 years but had very few interactions with him. I learned some of his story from Aunt Sandy. That night I was able to tell him the story of barely being 12 and watching him play at the Gallion. He replied “I don’t know if I should apologize or give you a hug. The gigs at the Gallion were pretty crazy times!” We giggled together and I said, “Of course give me a hug.” He also told me Aunt Sandy was his hero because she brought Don (my uncle) out of his shell and he remembered how funny my uncle was. As the sunset got more vivid I looked at my cousin and just felt really lucky we both were able to hear that together, especially because of the way I started my morning. Buddy had reinforced that I only had a glimpse of who my uncle was when I was a kid. I had to take time to think about and remember the fact that this was small town stuff. How did Buddy Pops even know that much about my uncle? But it was because his dad grew up with my Uncle Don and lets just face it, everyone knows everyone! I knew it was a moment I’d remember for a long time. It kept my soul shimmering for a couple of weeks. I kept thinking what a good trip up to Whitehall that was. 

Six weeks later Buddy died. Initially I had a few quiet moments of shock and sadness for his loved ones, especially the people I know and care about. I looked around on Facebook and could see Whitehall’s social scene was changed and sad. My aunt and I discussed this a little bit on the phone and she mentioned that Buddy “was such a force.” 

On a quiet summer afternoon about 3 weeks after Buddy had died, I was thinking about him and Whitehall. I popped into my head that I remember the exact dates of the first and last times I saw Buddy. I thought about how bizarre and special it was that I remembered those dates and the last time I saw him play we had a really sweet, kind exchange. I was able to say goodbye to the guy who played “Brown Eyed Girl” at every gig and was in the backdrop of my coming of age story. I cried quite a bit because he should still be here representing everything that Whitehall is in my eyes and because this awesome acquaintance and I had our full circle story! 

As I thought about Buddy I was also able to reinforce my strengths as an individual. I’m an observer who is oddly perceptive about all interactions around me. It makes me different than the rest of the crowd. For awhile I’ve had the belief that I’m receiving equal amounts of happiness, heartache and lessons coming my way a person with a big family, marriage and kids just because of my perceptions and sensitivities. I think my cute, sweet and brief full circle story with Buddy helped reinforce that. As I watch, perceive and process the little moments I’m absorbing it all deeply and savoring it. I also believe a person like Buddy was around to remind me to never let any of that go to waste!