Solitude

It’s uncomfortable and causes fear because it’s so unordinary. We are wired to be apart of groups. We need to work as teams to get the job done, be careful takers, be friends and mates/lovers. How would we go on without being with one another? We are social creatures. I know there are introverts and extroverts but I still see introverts making an effort to make deep, meaningful connections with other people. 

There are a select few who choose to be single for long periods of time or for the majority of their lives. Many of them aren’t really truly alone. They have close knit families. Kids, parents, siblings and other distant relatives around in their everyday lives. A lot of these single people have the best friendships I’ve ever witnessed. Many of them travel, volunteer, and become active members of their communities and are someone that entire family units can rely on. 

I have become one of these people. “A crazy cat lady.” I really can’t believe it but due to several circumstances, choices and who I am emotionally, here I am! I’m not sure I’ll be in this role forever but adjusting to this lifestyle has been one of the challenges of my life. It’s been like another college degree or a marathon accomplished. Teenage years to young adulthood, I hated being alone. The emotion of loneliness took over any enjoyment in hobbies, etc. It’s hard to sit still when you’re lonely and the feeling becomes consuming. 

In my twenties I kept hearing “It’s better to be alone than next to someone that makes you feel lonely.” “Don’t settle because you’re feeling the need to be somebody/anybody.” “If you can’t enjoy your own company, how do you expect someone else to.” “If you don’t like yourself, who else will.” There are probably a few other profound sayings people said to me that lead me down the path of loving myself before jumping into a significant relationship. Maybe I took the advice to literal but I was determined to like myself and spoil myself before anyone else entered the picture. There’s been hardships, lessons learned but for the most part I’m there. I like buying what want, when I want and painting the walls of the house that I bought purple without a compromise. Then there’s days when I think, technically in the eyes of the world I’m a seamstress with cats and that’s really weird to me. I used to think....I’m totally going to die alone and nobody will care beyond feeling like I was a pretty cool friend/ acquaintance. Those thoughts are disappearing. I’ve started realizing that I can be a lady who makes a statement about “being cool and single!” I’ll probably end up being loved in ways that I never expected. 

This week when something unsettling in our world happened I remembered that when I get stressed, scared, unsettled...I get diarrhea of the mouth and fingers. Let’s face it, a husband would have had a enough of me this week! I process outwardly and I do it pretty quickly. Then I make a personal plan and I’m okay. 

But through social media and a few conversations with friends I’ve noticed something about myself. There are so many people hiding from themselves right now. Nobody knows how to be still, self reflect, have a personal hobby they enjoy alone. I’m close to approaching 40 and I truly feel like the theme for my 30s has been, learning that I’m pretty awesome to be around! It’s taken me years but I get one of lives weirdest realizations.