Tick, tick, boom...reset.

The way I see it the past 9 years of my life, my curve was flattened. I learned how to enjoy solitude and had a well established routine. At times it felt so comfortable, it was boring! This is a wonderful place to be, not a lot of stress or drama, a secure and solid job and lots of people in my life that really care about me. It’s been a time for fun and trying new things but I never had to push myself too far because I was incredibly content! I knew I was too young to never have anymore significant changes or experiences. However, I am not a person to force significant changes upon myself.

Tick, tick...BOOM! For most Americans, I think life will forever be changed. First off, all of our priorities changed. Shopping for spring break outfits and March madness parties were dropped instantly. New priorities were established. Will I stay healthy? Will my loved ones? As a professional what is my job right now? Like everyone else in the world, my life had a lot of drastic changes within 24 hours in mid Mid March. These priorities might not change for months? I still feel very uncertain about the health of people around me. I get through this by being cautious, enjoying them and realizing my control issues aren’t going to help anyone. God absolutely has some bigger plans right now.

In the smaller scheme of things the way I entertain myself is flipped all out of sorts. I’m okay with this because I’ve completed my marathon of solitude already. I just have put it into over drive. I use a routine and my hobbies and I know there are people out there that want to chat and interact with me. I cycle through them. I’m finding moments when I can daydream and reminisce and that makes me happy! I hate leaving my house or yard actually. Times have certainly changed. It’s a good thing my house is practically a Siesta Hut! A Spa for me...and if I could work here too, I’d probably be happier than I ever would have imagined. Probably in the weeks to come this will gradually get harder.

The past 2.5 weeks (who’s counting), I feel like I’m free falling down the curve. It feels scary to witness the world I live in, unravel. I want to be able to control things that I can’t. I don’t understand why it’s taking everyone so long to get us out of this mess. The news literally makes my stomach spin, so I can’t watch.

I notice myself doing everything I can to try and be helpful to anyone and everyone but I’m a total wreck on the inside. I’m too distracted to get bored, take a nap or to binge watch Netflix. My people are helping. I can still laugh and have meaningful conversations. Physical activities help even if it’s sitting and doing a puzzle. This Siesta Hut will never be cleaner. Actually, for the most part I’m fixated on anything my skin or hands touch. Laundry, anything that can fit in the washer has been washed. Counters, keys, remotes...really clean. Today I finally vacuumed because cat hair doesn’t hurt people. I feel like better hygiene is the first major change in my life. I don’t know if I’ll ever go without wiping down keys and my packages again....especially if we’re 18 months away from a vaccine.

Yes, 18 months. I’ve read about the length of time it takes to get a vaccine ready for the public. I feel like the beginning of this time will be full of stress, grief, sorrow and a lot of unknowns. In the middle I’ll be able to start feeling like I’m climbing to the top of the curve, along with the people around me. Before a vaccine provides relief I have hopes that life is calmer for everyone & love and gratitude prevails for the majority of us! But until then it’s time to buckle up for the remainder of the free fall.

Solitude

It’s uncomfortable and causes fear because it’s so unordinary. We are wired to be apart of groups. We need to work as teams to get the job done, be careful takers, be friends and mates/lovers. How would we go on without being with one another? We are social creatures. I know there are introverts and extroverts but I still see introverts making an effort to make deep, meaningful connections with other people. 

There are a select few who choose to be single for long periods of time or for the majority of their lives. Many of them aren’t really truly alone. They have close knit families. Kids, parents, siblings and other distant relatives around in their everyday lives. A lot of these single people have the best friendships I’ve ever witnessed. Many of them travel, volunteer, and become active members of their communities and are someone that entire family units can rely on. 

I have become one of these people. “A crazy cat lady.” I really can’t believe it but due to several circumstances, choices and who I am emotionally, here I am! I’m not sure I’ll be in this role forever but adjusting to this lifestyle has been one of the challenges of my life. It’s been like another college degree or a marathon accomplished. Teenage years to young adulthood, I hated being alone. The emotion of loneliness took over any enjoyment in hobbies, etc. It’s hard to sit still when you’re lonely and the feeling becomes consuming. 

In my twenties I kept hearing “It’s better to be alone than next to someone that makes you feel lonely.” “Don’t settle because you’re feeling the need to be somebody/anybody.” “If you can’t enjoy your own company, how do you expect someone else to.” “If you don’t like yourself, who else will.” There are probably a few other profound sayings people said to me that lead me down the path of loving myself before jumping into a significant relationship. Maybe I took the advice to literal but I was determined to like myself and spoil myself before anyone else entered the picture. There’s been hardships, lessons learned but for the most part I’m there. I like buying what want, when I want and painting the walls of the house that I bought purple without a compromise. Then there’s days when I think, technically in the eyes of the world I’m a seamstress with cats and that’s really weird to me. I used to think....I’m totally going to die alone and nobody will care beyond feeling like I was a pretty cool friend/ acquaintance. Those thoughts are disappearing. I’ve started realizing that I can be a lady who makes a statement about “being cool and single!” I’ll probably end up being loved in ways that I never expected. 

This week when something unsettling in our world happened I remembered that when I get stressed, scared, unsettled...I get diarrhea of the mouth and fingers. Let’s face it, a husband would have had a enough of me this week! I process outwardly and I do it pretty quickly. Then I make a personal plan and I’m okay. 

But through social media and a few conversations with friends I’ve noticed something about myself. There are so many people hiding from themselves right now. Nobody knows how to be still, self reflect, have a personal hobby they enjoy alone. I’m close to approaching 40 and I truly feel like the theme for my 30s has been, learning that I’m pretty awesome to be around! It’s taken me years but I get one of lives weirdest realizations. 

A sudden shift

I haven’t written in over a year! A year ago the urge to sit down, write and share my thoughts were gradually disappearing. I truly believe I was busy living the life I had set up for myself. Three years before that, I needed to discover who I was at this specific point in my life. Gradually what I had written down and expressed through words became a reality. I started living my words! The need to sit and write wasn’t there. More experiences needed to occur before I had more to write. In the meantime, I was grateful, content, established and was having new experiences. My clothes even changed to fit my comfort level and my hair has become more sassy. I’ve been able to refrain from leading a boring life. I’m so proud of myself for knowing what makes me grateful isn’t what makes someone else happy. This has taken action and effort!

A month ago my hopes were to travel as far as I could before my body physically was too worn out and tired. Who would I have these traveling experiences with? Where would we go? The sooner we could go, the better! Traveling can be part of my sass, excitement and the stories I will have as I get older. But then there’s the practical, routine oriented part of me. Several tourist traps around the world are probably as adventurous as I’ll ever get! I appreciate being well rested, comfortable and for the most part knowing what I’m eating. I also enjoy being healthy. I see why people “glamp!” They have  their own sheets, no planes, very few germs from their daily lives at home. But life 2 months ago, I was willing to risk flights and hotel rooms despite the fact they weren’t clean. We get one chance to see the world. This maybe apart of my life in the near or distant future. I don’t know, politicians and the media also don’t know.

The world the past week and a half has been incredibly difficult. I don’t want my loved ones to be harmed, I don’t want a terrible economy. I want all of my friends and acquaintances to be okay and have their amazing travel plans and get togethers. I continued to stay glued to the media and research a pandemic and watch the “numbers.” I began to realize what my Grandma’s felt like when they had brothers and husbands go off to war and their parents felt like at the beginning of the depression. I felt distracted and had a fluttery stomach. My generation has been very lucky to a few of these instances.

Compassion, citizens trying to help was great to see. I also began to notice families and friends connecting in ways they hadn’t done in months or years. It popped into my head that sometimes things have to get really terrible before they get better. March madness, concerts, vacations are our major concerns? We’re not that shallow. We may act like we are but we’re not. Spending time with the people you love, health, compassion,  nature and apparently good hygiene have topped the list this week. Wild life is starting to come alive in the canals of Venice, Italy. Air pollution has decreased in China which is currently saving lives. Mother Nature and God have a bigger plan than what we have setup. It’s sad and stressful but out of our hands. These 2 forces are bigger than our plans, scientists plans or politicians plans. That concept should feel scary but truthfully it’s an overwhelming sense of relief. Maybe global warming will decrease, maybe a better health care system will occur, maybe new innovative jobs will occur, and maybe technology, physical health and human connection will live in unity. But we are absolutely being slapped on the wrist!